Share Stories: Another Relationship Tool

Several weeks into sheltering-in-place I can’t help but wonder about how people's relationships are doing. The quarantine has put people into closed quarters much faster than they may have intended. It also could have separated folks for much longer than they are accustomed to.

Many people are also missing their self-regulatory practices which are having ramifications in their partnerships. Emily has informed me that I am a much happier and contented person when I get to do Brazilian Jiu Jitsu regularly; sorry bae.

Real Talk has been extra helpful for Emily and I in this time given that we’re with each other almost all day every day. Even when we’re not literally in the same room together we can feel where the other person is in the house. That feeling is colored by the emotional character of our most recent interaction. If one or both of us were constricted and defensive then that hangs over our bedroom. If we’re deep in appreciation and expansion then the whole house feels larger and lighter.

The Real Talk question that has gone the farthest for us while sheltering in place has been, “What stories are you holding?”

Another helpful way to phrase the same idea is,

“What are you telling yourself about this?”

If I ask Emily to do something for me and I find that she hasn’t done it I can make up a fiction about what’s happened. The fiction doesn’t have to be negative, I can assume she’s having a very important conversation with her mom. I could also write with the rage of the god of the Old Testament about the injustice done to me because of her carelessness.

Both of these are the wrong thing to do.

The path forward together is to cool it with my stories and go ask Emily, in a non-judgemental way, about what’s going on while being aware of my language.

Emily and I have a practice adjacent to Real Talk that we use for discussing stories when they’ve become too big for us to move around. It’s not as officially named as Real Talk so let’s call it “Share Stories” for now.

Here’s how it goes.

Phase 1:

- Agree upon a subject matter that you want to discuss.

- Make sure you both have a journal and meet at your chosen time.

- Set a timer for a half hour and start writing down every story that you have about the chosen subject.

- Summarize what the story is then write about why you have that story and where it came from.

- Write them all down even if they don’t seem related to the subject.

Phase 2:

- Choose who shares first: we’ll call the person sharing, “A” and the listener, “B”. - A shares one story. - B listens and says nothing. The only exception is, “Is there more?” - After A is done, B reflects back what they heard A say. - A corrects the reflection given from B when appropriate. If this leads to A realizing they have more to share then they go back to sharing their story while B goes back to listening. - Stay here until A has heard back their story from B in such a way that they feel heard and understood.

Phase 3:

- B asks if it is okay for them to explain what goes on for them in the circumstances that A described. - If A says, “yes” then B shares what is real for them around what A has shared. - During this time, A only listens. They reflect back what they heard B say when B is done. - Stay in this story, sharing back and forth for as long as you need to until it is complete. - If A says no to hearing an explanation then B asks for what could help them proceed with having the discussion. - If nothing can be done at this time, which is okay, proceed to the next phase.

Phase 4:

- Switch who shares first and move on to another story. - Keep repeating this until you run out of steam or run out of stories. - Respect each other’s desire to stop. It’s better to end early than burn down all your resources.

The first time Emily and I did this we were struggling around our sex life. We both had a lot of stories about what the other one wanted, didn’t want, what was okay, what wasn’t and so on. In the labyrinth of our stories neither of us were getting what we wanted. This is what we came up with to try and get out.

It helped so much so quickly. It was as if a thick fog had been lifted.

The most interesting, and unsurprising, thing that came from us doing this is finding that our stories trigger each other into making more stories. If Emily believes I don’t want to have sex after a certain time in the evening then I might come back and believe that I have to always be the one initiating at night. If I tell the story that I have to be the one to initiate then she might believe that I am only willing to have sex on my terms. And so the snowball grows and grows.

The answer is to not tell stories.

Yeah, good luck with never making up a story again.

The practical answer is to practice noticing when we’re telling a story and ask,

“Is the thing I’m thinking right now true or does it just feel true?”

If it’s not true or if it’s an opinion then we’re better off acknowledging that it’s a story. Our next move will be to go check with the person in question to see what their reality is like.

The way in which a story can easily lead to the birth of another story held by me or another gives me great respect and motivation to check in about the stories I’m telling. To keep personal storytelling under control consider holding the following ideas in your mind while you listen to yourself think:

First, we must be willing to admit that we’re telling stories that don’t line up with reality.

Second, we must practice noticing when we may be telling a story. Ask ourselves if the thing we’re thinking is true or not.

Third, we must realize that asking about stories and sharing stories takes kindness, generosity, patience and practice.

Fourth, we check in with the relevant person about the story. Use the Sharing Stories process described above if you want to go deep.