Being Stuck & Life Making Decisions For You

The first job I had out of college was… fine.

I took a job as an intern at EMC. After 6 months it transitioned into a full time position. Both of which I was very grateful to have as they allowed me to aggressively pay off my student debt.

And it was fine: not amazing, not horrible, just okay. A 6/10. It was just alright enough to keep me around and just bad enough for me to touch up my resume. And they kept me around until they laid me off. EMC was acquired by Dell and my team was swept away in the last batch of layoffs.

Side note: if your team ever goes to an unexpected meeting and multiple people from HR are already there, brace for impact.

After the news was delivered, the details were distributed (admittedly it was a nice severance), and the exit interviews were done, I made my last exit with some coworkers. One of the guys who was old enough to be my dad said to me, “this is going to be one of the best things that could have happened to you.”

And he was right.

I had been flirting with leaving for a while and hadn’t acted on it. Dell acquiring EMC forced my hand by ejecting me from their organization. This led to me getting a job in San Francisco, moving up to the city, dramatically expanding my social circle, and living a much happier life on all fronts.

Why didn’t I leave before this? I was thinking about leaving in the months leading up to this moment.

Fear of the unknown is the easiest answer. The devil you know versus the devil you don’t.

I grew up in an environment where money was a continual source of tension and arguments so the idea of bailing on “reliable income” seemed downright irresponsible and negligent. I wasn’t willing to take the short term pain or setback for the possibility of a longer-term improvement that I couldn’t guarantee.

And then life made that decision for me.

I can’t help but wonder how frequently this is happening across the globe right now; folks putting off decisions due to stress or not feeling like they have the resources necessary to address them. This goes on until the decision becomes obvious or there’s no more decision to be made because their options have disappeared. My time at EMC was the latter. I thought about moving on then the organization TOLD me, it’s time to move on.

When people feel stuck there’s usually two ways they can be oriented to their stuckness.

1. They don’t believe they have any options. That there’s literally nowhere to go. Another form of this is having only one option that they don’t want to do. That reduces down into having no options. Imagine being in conflict with someone where you believe anything you do will make matters worse.

2. All they see are options and they can’t choose. This is experienced as overwhelming and is commonly understood as The Paradox of Choice. Think of a time you’ve been stopped in your tracks trying to choose what to have for dinner only to give up and make a PB&J or a bowl of cereal. Or consider the person who dreams of having a fit, healthy lifestyle and doesn’t start because they don’t know where to begin given the sea of information available; they don’t know what the “right” thing to do is.

It’s not like there’s any lack of reasons to feel stuck, unsure or overwhelmed right now.

Covid is unprecedented and the data around it is ever changing. Unemployment continues to rise along with stock market uncertainty. The 2020 election is coming(tomorrow) and there is turmoil on both sides and in the world. If you live in California you had months of fires and continuing poor air quality.

What’s one to do?

I’ve recently begun a practice as a life coach and have been working with 11 people. The high level intention of the coaching practice is to help the person uncover and refine what they most want and then help them act out the process of actualizing it. While doing this I am finding patterns across the people I’m working with and one that is present which seems to relate to being stuck is a negative relationship with responsibility.

Google provides a few definitions.

The one that I see most people running up against is, “the state or fact of being accountable or to blame for something.” When talking with folks they seem to take this as all downside. To take responsibility would mean to admit fault and take responsibility for a mistake that was made or a bad situation. And then they have the burden of resolving it.

It’s all about blame. Blame can often trigger guilt or shame so it’s no surprise that this isn’t popular.

But this misses the upside of responsibility - “the opportunity or ability to act independently and make decisions without authorization.” Owning your individual ability to respond, to make things happen, to do what you would love to do.

Bring to mind a place you feel stuck, whether it’s from not believing you have options or that you are unable to choose from the plethora of options in front of you.

Now finish this sentence, “If I took 5% more responsibility…” Extra credit 1: Write this down. Extra credit 2: Write down 10 different answers as fast as you can. Extra credit 3: Act on one immediately. Stop reading this right now and go.

Welcome back! Please comment on this or DM/email me with what you went and did! I would love to hear about it.

One of the most common metaphors I’ve heard about 2020 is that “it’s like life is on pause.” Emotionally that may feel true. Thinking it’s on “pause” might also be a comforting way to tell ourselves that we’re not missing anything, that Covid and its implications will pass and things will be just like they were before March of 2020. We’ve just got to hold on a little longer.

Life isn’t on pause. We can wait for life to force our hand or we can proactively do something. How would taking 5% more responsibility impact you now, tomorrow, next month?

Begin.