The Opposite Of Unemployed - Looking At Implicit Identity

A friend of mine recently quit their job. No back up plan. They gave notice six weeks in advance to help make a smooth transition and knowledge transfer for the role. The job was, in my opinion, increasingly weighing on them. Their posture corroded. Their sleep cycles kept getting warped. They told me that they literally had stress dreams about Excel sheets.

Before they gave notice we had a conversation about the role, the trajectory of the position, and the sinking ship that the company seemed to be. More importantly, we talked about what mattered to my friend, what kept them at the company, what fears got in the way of leaving, and what the ideal approach to going separate ways would look like.

After their last day they simply said, “I’m unemployed.”

That set off something for me. This moment was a big deal. They had been at a job that was negatively impacting every part of their life except their wallet. They courageously cast it aside to knowingly face uncertainty and step into the beyond. In that moment of victory we simply got the words, “I’m unemployed.”

What does being un-something imply? I started paying attention to words that can have “un” as a prefix and have noticed that there’s no inversions of “bad” things. Only “good” things.

Someone can be happy, unhappy or sad. They can’t be unsad.

Someone can be coordinated, uncoordinated or clumsy. They can’t be unclumsy.

Someone can be imaginative, unimaginative or mundane. They can’t be unmundane.

If you know of a case that breaks this rule please let me know. Regardless, let’s assume it’s true for the time being. Unemployed implies that being employed is better, in the same way that being happy is better than being unhappy.

But is it? Surely, it’s circumstantial. Making ends meet, covering your bases, paying your bills, getting out of debt, sustaining a healthy diet, being able to pay for activities you enjoy, investing in the future, philanthropy. There’s a lot of levels of financial need and capability. Given my friends circumstances I would, and did, say that the state of being “unemployed” was superior to being employed by their current employer.

The way we identify ourselves matters. It matters a whole hell of a lot. The way we use our language around our self-identification can either free us or further entrench us.

“I am ___” said aloud, internally to oneself, or subconsciously furthers the entrenchment. If we’re going to speak this way then we may as well do so in a way that builds us into the person we want to be. From cognitive behavioral therapy this is often referred to as affirmations.

Instead of “I’m unemployed”, we could try, “I’m free of my awful job”. Or, “I’m exploring new opportunities”. Or, “I’m going to pursue this other passion of mine.”

(Coming up with the examples above was challenging. “I’m on vacation”, “I’m in between jobs”, “I’m enjoying time off” all came to me and they all imply a return to employment. A return to the “proper”, “good” state which is a bias I want to question.)

An alternative to “I am” is “I used to”. It implies that the thing in question has come to pass. It is no longer a part of me. I no longer identify with it. “I used to be employed by ___.” “I used to be an alcoholic.” “I used to over-eat.”

The more powerful version I know of is, “I used to ___, and now I ___.” We set our new identity. We CHOOSE our new identity.

“I used to be employed by ___, and now I am spending my mornings learning about my passions.” “I used to not exercise, and now I practice yoga twice a week.” “I used to yell at my partner when I got mad, and now I take a deep breath and assert my feelings and needs using the NVC framework.”

It’s key to reframe things immediately. Preferably said out loud, even if the thing we’re reframing was said internally. We can keep trying new frames until we find the one that fits best.

This is a tool that I could remember to enact more often. It has helped me accept that I am not always acting as perfectly as I may envision and that I need to take it easy on myself. I can remember chastising myself when making mistakes while playing volleyball in junior high. A useful turn on something like that can be, “I used to chastise myself for athletic mistakes, and now I celebrate the good plays I make.”

One that has been a long term work in progress for me is, I used to make myself small when around loud, shouting conflict. Now I sit up straight, take a deep breathe and relax. The more I’ve internalized this one the more I start relaxing before conflict even happens. Compare this narrative to, “whenever my parents fight I sink into my seat and wait for it to pass.” Which reality would I be better off reinforcing? This isn’t fake it ‘til you make it. I’ll actually sit or stand up straight, I’ll relax my muscles and breathe. I’ll notice the trigger, affirm the narrative I want on the situation, and enact it.

I believe we should all be more cautious about and aware of the identities we take up without question. The words, “I am” should be a trigger for, “what have I internalized?” If it’s something we want, that’s cool, please proceed. If it’s something that’s keeping us down or is not serving our purpose then we should put it behind us and choose a path forward that is helpful.