The Half-Life of Stress

Over the course of one quarter in college I was watching a close friend suffer from depression and anxiety over matters in their personal life. They were wilting away, clearly malnourished, and much more checked out in ordinary occurrences than normal.

I was deeply concerned and at a loss of what to do while feeling like I needed to do something if I wanted to call myself their friend. I knew very little about the situation beyond it having to do with a partner or a former partner.

I tried asking, “Are you eating?” That was clearly the wrong thing to do out the gate. They grew defensive and more sad.

A few days later when I saw them I asked, “Can I ask you a few questions? You don’t need to say anything or answer them to me, just try them on for yourself.”

They said yes.

“Imagine that, despite all of your best efforts, all of the things you’re trying to hold together fall and crumble. All of your worst fears have happened just as badly as you can imagine.”

“Three months from now, how are things? How are you doing in light of what’s happened? How alive is this situation?”

“How about six months?”

“A year?”

“Three?” “A decade?”

With each reframe of time their posture straightened a little bit and their shoulders relaxed slightly more. In no way did this single moment solve my friends problems, and they came back to me later to tell me that it helped them.

I’m not a therapist. If you’re dealing with depression please find professional help. In this case I was just a heartbroken twenty year old trying to help a fellow heartbroken twenty year old by proposing some questions from a seminar I watched that helped me.

A decade later, I still use these questions for myself and to stir thought in my friends.

I like using these questions as a way to detach from a situation that has consumed me and is stressing me out big time. Is this storm of stress really going to still be bringing me pain in a year or two? Sometimes that question alone helps me create a bit of separation from my immediate suffering so I can take a breath and reprioritize my efforts.

Consider a thing that’s bringing you down right now. Ask yourself those questions and answer each time frame seriously. What might you want to change if the half-life of your suffering is less than a month? What if it’s up to two years?